Quickie In The Bushes

Quickie In The Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.  They had been facing each other across a pathway for a 100 years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for 30 minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.”

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.  After 15 minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.  The angel tells them, “Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?”

He asks her “Shall we?”

She eagerly replies, “Oh, yes, let’s!  But let’s change positions.  This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.”

AND JUST WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen.

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, David the physician, the King’s chief doctor. David thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, David made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, David informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. David then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s large and magnificent breasts. The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero. 

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found David demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins.. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn’t have cared less knowing that David could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, David slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . . The moral of the story – Pay your fuckin’ bills.

You don't have the balls...

A  Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out
of ten million bucks.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first
place.
It was assumed that Enzo would not hear anything that he might have to
testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he
brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the 10 million bucks he
embezzled from me is.”
The attorney, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.
Enzo signs back: “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The attorney tells the Godfather: “He says he doesn’t know what you’re
talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo’s temple and says, “Ask
him again!”
The attorney signs to Enzo: “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him!”
Enzo signs back: “OK! You win! The money is in a brown brief case, buried
behind the shed in my cousin Bruno’s backyard in Woodbridge!”
The Godfather asks the attorney: “Well, what’d he say?”
The attorney replies: “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the
trigger.”

Check out these words when they are re-arranged:

DORMITORY
… when you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN
… when you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

THE EYES                        
… when you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE
… when you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES
… when you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS
… when you rearrange the letters:
LIES – LET’S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS
… when you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S

A DECIMAL POINT
… when you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO
… when you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

And finally:
MOTHER-IN-LAW
… when you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Crazy facts you may have heard before, but they are worth a chuckle or two:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I’m still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour. (Don’t try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. (Honey, I’m home. What the…?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmm mmmm……)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
( If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Make The Woman Happy.

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It’s her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it’s a sports bar (-2)
And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It’s called ‘Death Cop’ (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

Tech Support: Silly questions by clients.

Tech Support:What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one

Customer: Hi, this is Celine I can’t get my DVD out !!!
Tech Support:Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, I’m sure it’s really stuck
Tech Support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note
Customer: No, wait a minute, I hadn’t inserted it
yet It’s still on my desk sorry Thank you

Tech Support:Click on the ‘MY COMPUTER’ icon on the
left of the screen
Customer: Your left or my left?

Tech Support: Hello How may I help you?
Male Customer: Hi I can’t print
Tech Support: Would you click on ‘START’ for me and
Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on
me I’m not Billi Gates!!!

Customer: Good afternoon, this is Martha I can’t
print Every time I try, it says ‘CAN’T FIND
PRINTER’ I even lifted the printer and placed it
in front of the monitor, but the computer still
says it can’t find it!!!

Customer: I have problems printing in red
Tech Support:Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah thank you

Tech Support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?
Customer: A teddy bear that my boyfriend bought for
me at the 7-11 store

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore
Tech Support: Are you sure your keyboard is plugged
into the computer?
Customer: No I can’t get behind the computer
Tech Support: Pick up your keyboard and take ten
steps backwards
Customer: Okay
Tech Support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech Support: That means the keyboard is not plugged
in Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here Wait a
moment please Ah, that one does work
Thanks

Tech Support:Your password is the small letter ‘a’ as in
apple, a capital letter ‘V’ as in Victor, and the number ’7′
Customer: Is that ’7′ in capital letters?

Customer: I can’t get on the internet
Tech Support:Are you absolutely sure you used the
correct password?
Customer: Yes, I’m sure I saw my co-worker do it
Tech Support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots

Tech Support:What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape
Tech Support: That’s not an anti-virus program
Customer: Oh, sorry Internet Explorer

Customer: I have a huge problem! My friend has
placed a screen saver on my computer but,
every time I move my mouse, it disappears

Tech Support: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first email
Tech Support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address,
but how do I get the little circle around it

A woman customer called the Canon help desk because
she had a problem with her printer
Tech Support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer:No, my desk is next to the door, but that
is a good point The man sitting next to me is by
a window, and his printer is working fine!

And last, but not least

Tech Support: Okay Bob , press the control and escape
keys at the same time That brings up a task list in the
middle of the screen Now, type the letter ‘P’ to bring
up the Program Manager
Customer: I don’t have a ‘P’
Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob
Customer: What do you mean ?
Tech Support: ‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob
Customer: I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!

There!That outta make you feel better about your computer skills